


Can't Help But Wonder Where I'm Bound

by rennerfan_1



Category: Jeremy Renner - Fandom, The Town (2010)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 19:05:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2358941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rennerfan_1/pseuds/rennerfan_1





	Can't Help But Wonder Where I'm Bound

The nameless faces in the corridors pass in a blur as she weaves through them, her focus solely getting on where she needs to be and she doesn't have time for anything else. She doesn't have time for anything right now except for getting to ward A12 on the second floor, still trying to fly through the various wandering patients and their relatives and various forms of hospital staff. She is tired from being woken from a fitful sleep and having spent several hours on a plane with only her thoughts and fears for company and she knows that sleep or rest isn't going to come any time soon, if at all over the next few days. The elevator ride is painfully slow, cramped with other visitors for the patients on the wards and she just wants to get off, to get through those double doors and to find out what is exactly going on.  
Celeste sucks in a deep breath as the doors open and she follows everyone else into the ward, hanging back a little as she tries to grab one of the nurse's attention and suddenly she is pulled away from the nurse when she sees Doug standing by the water cooler.

She briskly walks towards him, throwing question after question at him and he has to tell her to be quiet when people start staring.

"Lettie, calm down." He tells her gently and guides her towards the small relatives room that is comfortable and cosy. "Come on, sit down and we'll talk. I...I'm sorry I called so late, but I didn't know what else to do."

"Doug, just tell me what's going on."

"I called because....like I said last night was that... Jem's in a bad way." He tells his sister. "A really bad way and I didn't want you two leaving things the way they were, on bad terms. And I figured you had a right to know, even if Jem didn't want you to know."

"What doesn't Jem want me to know, Doug?"

The taller man sighs rubs his rough skinned hands over his face, chewing on his bottom lip as his eyes fall to the floor, scanning nervously. He had been dreading this moment, telling her of the situation and he had been sworn to secrecy by his best friend that he wouldn't contact Celeste until it was over and here he is breaking that promise.

"Doug?" She presses, touching his knee. "What's going on?"

"Jem....he....had some tests done a while back and the results weren't good."

"What do you mean?" She asks in confusion.

"Jem hadn't been feeling good and one night he blacked out and I found him on the kitchen floor, so I took him to the emergency room and they did some tests. A few months ago they called him into an appointment and they told him...."

"What aren't you telling me?" She whispers, afraid to hear what her brother is trying to tell her. "Doug?"

"Jem was diagnosed with a brain tumour and they can't operate."

It takes several seconds for Celeste to realise what Doug has just said and she looks at him in disbelief, her mouth falling open as she tries to process it. She shakes her head and tries to speak, to deny everything that he is saying.

"Jem's not sick." She tells him straight. "Jem never gets sick. Not even in all the years I've known him has he ever got sick. They've got it wrong."

"Lettie, Jem has an inoperable brain tumour and he's been living with it for the last year. I wanted to tell you, but he wouldn't let me."

"And what's changed, Doug?" She asks, doubt flooding her emotions."Why didn't he want me to know?"

"Because....we both knew you would come down here and he didn't want you giving up the life you have for him. He didn't want you to see him like that, so wasted and worn. We both knew you would catch the first flight out here."

"And why did you call me out of the blue then, Doug?" She asks.

"Because.....Because Jem needs you and he.... he doesn't have long left. The cancer, it's spread."

A stabbing pain of anguish pierces her guts as a sheet of confusion blankets her mind, her skin suddenly feeling cool and damp. She looks at him and shakes her head, his words sinking in.

"But they have all kinds of treatments that could help him."

"They do have the treatments, but it's too late for the medicines to help his condition." He explains calmly and slowly. "Even if he started the treatments when he was first diagnosed it wouldn't have helped. I'm sorry for calling you, Lettie."

"I'm glad you told me because I wouldn't have found out until.....does he know I'm here?"

"He doesn't know a thing." The elder sibling answers quietly. "He said he had done enough damage without upsetting you or Jamie. I know you would have wanted to have been here."

"Can I go see him?"

"Yeah, he's out of it on some pain meds, but they are keeping him comfortable." He tells her as they walk to the door and he opens it, noticing how hurt and devastated she is by his revelations. "Just don't blame him for trying to protect you."

 

Celeste hesitantly pushes open the heavy but soundless door to the private room, her eyes squinting in the darkness and finally focussing on the bed in the centre of the room. She can't hear her own shaky breaths and mouse like footsteps on the floor over the beep of the machines, her eyes following the various tubes and wires that are connected to her childhood sweetheart. Her breath catches in her throat, her mouth dry as sweat dampens the underarms of her T-shirt, afraid to go forward and afraid to turn back. 

"Jem?" She whispers, barely audible in the room. "Jem?"

She comes to the side of the bed and she realises she is shaking when she reaches out to press her hand to his sweaty brow. His eyes suddenly open and she flinches, falling backwards in panic as she tries to stop herself from falling into the drip stand and machine that is monitoring his heart rate and blood pressure.

"You scared the hell out of me!" She tells him, trying to catch her breath and then she awkwardly laughs in embarrassment.

In any other situation he would have laughed himself stupid, but his baby blue eyes study her as he tries to reach over for the glass of iced water on the bedside cabinet, an unattractive thing with a locked compartment for storing regular medications and other drugs. Celeste gently guides the straw to his cracked lips and seeing him in a better light, up closer than from the doorway does she realise that he really is in a bad way.

"Clover?" He says her nickname in disbelief, convinced he is dreaming that she is there. "Is it really you?"

"I'm here, Bay. I'm right here."

"No." He shakes his head, or at least tries to with what energy he has left."Not supposed to be here. Go away."

"I'm not going anywhere, Jem. I'm here and I'm staying."

"How did..." He starts to say, but even stringing simple sentences together is hard work and Doug had already explained that his motor skills were failing. "How did you know?"

"Doug called me and I'm glad he did. You should have told me that you were sick and I would have looked after you."

"No." Again, shaking his head and showing his disagreement. "You got your own life now and you don't need this. It's not fair."

"What isn't fair is having to find out about you now and not when you first find out. I've moved on with my life, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you."

"Lover boy's going to be mad when he finds out you were here." The sick man croaks.

"Jason was with me when Doug called and he arranged the flight."

"Does he look after you two good?" He asks her and wants to know, needs to know.

"Jason takes good care of us and Jamie thinks it's great having two dads. He misses you, Bay."

The blue eyed Coughlin glances downwards in shame, having realised a long time ago that he was missing out on nearly all of his son's life and part of it was to ensure that Jamie didn't end up in the same messes he got himself in.

"I miss both of you. You should go."

"And I told you that I wasn't going anywhere, son you're going to have to get used to me being here." She tells him sternly and tries to fight back a bubble of emotion that breaks through. "To the end."

"Don't want you seeing me like this."

"That isn't your choice and I'm not letting you be here alone." She says."I'm staying, but I need to know why you didn't tell me you were so sick."

"Didn't want to ruin things for you 'cause I've done enough of that."

"Oh, Jem." She has to bite back a sob."You've never ruined anything, not even all those other times. You're a good man, Jem and I just wish you would believe it."

"I didn't want you here 'cause I still love you, never stopped, not once."  
Jem Coughlin looks like a scared child who is bearing his soul to the world for mercy and Celeste sits on the edge of the bed, taking his hand and pressing her lips to his skin and all the memories of their times together cloud her senses of the present and transport her back into the past.

"I still love you too, Jem. But it's different now than what it was and I don't want to hurt you."

"I know." He squeezes her hand and manages a very small, but tired and painful smile. "I'm glad Doug called. Are you really going to stay?"

"I'm not going anywhere and that's a promise."

***

The next twenty four hours were spent sitting with Jem and taking the occasional shift swap with Doug who had set up camp in the relatives room while Celeste went outside to call home or gather her thoughts. She had watched on in horror as Jem's IV bags were changed as soon as they had run out and he was given various injections of pain relief through the IV and straight into his arm. She had stepped in when one of the nursing aids had brought in hot water for a sponge bath and to the ex-couples surprise, it felt like they hadn't ever been separated from each other. Jem's meals consisted of soft options, like mashed potatoes and gravy or custard and he had complained that he was being treated like a baby and even joked about the catheter he had in. That was Jem, a morbid sense of humour in such pressing circumstances but neither Doug or Celeste minded so much as long as he smiled. During the hours in which Jem slept from physical and mental exhaustion, and the effects of the pain medications weren't helping him to stay awake, Celeste and Doug managed to have quiet discussions between them. They had both noticed how rapidly their friend was going down hill and how he was stubbornly holding on to every last second, but the pain was starting to get too much for the ex-career criminal and he was given extra drugs to make him comfortable. The doctor had warned them that this would happen and suggested they offer as much comfort as they could, to keep him calm when the fight was finally winning against him and it broke Celeste's heart to see him hurting so bad.

Celeste listens to the steady beat of the heart monitor as she feels Jem relax against her, his head on her chest and her arms tightly around him, her fingers moving through his hair. To some, getting into bed with her ex-partner would be unethical and this wasn't about ethics, but to bring comfort to a seriously ill man. She hums a lullaby she used to sing to Jamie and feels him move a little in her arms.

"You're gonna take care of Jamie for me, right?" He asks weakly, his blood pressure dipping a little lower. "You're gonna make sure he has everything and is a good boy."

"He's a good boy already, Jem. Just like his dad."

"And make sure none of you get hurt 'cause I'll know." He tells her."Tell....tell my boy I love him and.....I'm sorry."

"He already knows and you've got nothing to be sorry for. You're a great dad."

"Wasn't around to be a good dad." He painfully reminds her, his tears absorbing into her T-shirt. "Should have tried harder."

"Jamie loves you because you're his dad and he doesn't need anything else. You were always with him. He still kisses the picture he has of you two together and sleeps with the boxing shirt you gave him at Christmas."

"I'm sorry for.....being a waster." He admits tearfully. "Should have done better."

"You did everything you could without letting yourself or Jamie or me get hurt. Jamie understands why you weren't around and it was to keep us safe and I'm so glad you did because we never would have made it without you."

Celeste cries into the top of his head as a nurse arrives with more medications and she can tell the prognosis isn't good by the much older woman's heartfelt gaze of pity. 

Deciding not to allow an eerie silence fall over them, Celeste asks Jem about all the different adventures they had as kids and how much trouble they got themselves into over the years, like harassing old Mrs Crookes by running along the sidewalk and rattling sticks against her fence or like the times they fed Mr O'Halleran's Jack Russell laxatives and how it shit everywhere for two days solid. The stories manage to lighten the mood and atmosphere for a while, but it quickly falls back into the darkness that they had forced themselves to get out of.

 

"I don't have a lot of time left." Jem says suddenly, quietly in a croak that is steeped in chemicals that makes him sound sleepy and stoned. "Not got a lot of time."

"Don't talk like that, please."

"We know they're isn't a cure for this." He reminds her. "I got something.....something for you and Jamie, a nest egg. It's not much, but it's something if he wants to learn to drive or go to college.....those places are a rip off."

"Thank you."

Jem looks up at her and nods, swallowing hard as he shifts a little to get more comfortable on the plastic covered mattress, flashing hot and cold as he pulls the blankets up closer to his chin. His arm is gently draped over her waist and they know it's going to be the last piece of human contact he is going to have, the last time of holding someone or being held. She presses another kiss to his head and feels him relaxing, the pit of her stomach churning in anticipation of what is going to eventually happen.

"Clover?" He mumbles, even more strained than he had been. "Stay with me....please."

"I told you I wasn't going anywhere and I meant it. I'm with you and I'm staying here."

"I always meant to try harder, to be better for you and Jamie." He tells her, physically fighting to keep his eyes open for a few minutes longer."Make sure lover boy looks after you two....or else. Jesus, so tired."

"Rest your eyes, Bay. Do you want me to get a nurse?"

"No. If I close them then it's done." He tells her over the decreasing unsteady beeps. "I'm scared, Clover. Never been more scared."

"It's okay to be scared, Jem. I'm scared too."

"I'm sorry for all the things I done." He says weakly, his entire body becoming heavier. "You deserve to be happy with someone who can give you what you need, what you and Jamie both need."

"Oh, Jem."

Jem's breathing changes to shallower breathes, his lungs and hearts working twice as hard to stop his body from shutting down and the bonus is that the pain medication is making him feel high and the only pain he feels is in his heart. He grips for her hand as she gently talks to him, whispering as he finally starts to give in.

"I love you, Jem and I always have. You're such a good man and an amazing father and I won't ever forget about you." She tells him through painful cries. "I won't let Jamie forget about you and we're always going to be thinking about you and missing you. I love you, Bay."

"I....and.. I love you...too, Clover."

"I'm sorry." She cries. "I'm sorry for leaving you."

"I just....want you to be happy."

He shivers and groans softly, Celeste automatically ready to call for help even though she knows there isn't anything that can be done for him. It breaks her heart as the monitor beeps slower and slower, his body becoming heavier as his baby blue eyes cloud over a little more with each passing second. She can tell though that something is on his mind, able to feel the ache and fear in his heart

"I want.....just one last....kiss." He whispers, almost incoherently as he slips further away. "Please..."

He hasn't asked her to do something revolting or repulsive, nothing that is completely unacceptable under the circumstances and she knows he is holding on to this moment for everything, knowing that it's his last. She lowers her mouth to his and she kisses him, feeling him kiss back and the touch of his cold fingertips against her damp cheeks steals her breath away. The kiss is soft and gentle, passionate and filled with longing until he has to break away to gasp in a mouthful of air, feeling like a lovesick school boy like he did when they first kissed.

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for." She forces a smile and kisses his head, gently stroking his head and arm as he settles against her again. "Get some sleep."

The sick man nods and inhales a shaky breath, finally giving in to letting his eyes close and the silence is painfully deafening for Celeste as she gently hums the lullaby to the man who had stolen her heart many years before. She swears blind she can hear him snoring every so slightly as he becomes a dead weight in her arms, her heart racing as tears slide down her cheeks as she tries to hold back the painful cry of anguish that she had been holding onto since she arrived. She suddenly realises that he is completely still and the flat beep confirms her suspicions.

"Jem?" She whispers, shaking him gently and she openly cries when he doesn't respond. "Oh god, Jem! Jem!"

 

**

Doug gently eases the polystyrene cup from his little sister's shaking hands, setting it on the floor as he covers her hands with his own, kneeling down in front of her.

"Lettie?" His voice is cracked and raw from crying. "You doing okay, kid? Lettie?"

Through bloodshot and teary eyes she looks at him and tries to focus on what he is saying, feeling empty and lost and heartbroken. The touch of his hands makes her shudder as she remembers how it felt to have Jem slipping away in her arms.

"I....I felt it, Doug." She tells him quietly. "I could feel him....slipping away and there wasn't anything I could do. I couldn't stop it. He....he was so scared."

"But he wasn't alone, Lettie. He wasn't alone and he wasn't in any pain. The doctors made sure of it and kept him comfortable."

"It was horrible seeing him like that." She whispers again, stifling a sob. "I couldn't help him."

"You helped him by being there and for forgiving him. You reassured him that you and Jamie were going to be okay and he needed to know that."

"What do I tell Jamie?" She asks her older brother. "How am I supposed to tell him that his dad was so sick....It's going to break his heart, Doug. He already missed Jem and now...."

Doug catches Celeste as she collapses into him and buries her face into his neck, crying uncontrollably as her hands bunch up in his shirt. He swallows too and then gives in, joining her as the reality of the situation hits him that his best friend is really gone. 

They don't even try to comfort one another because they both know it's useless, each of them devastated for the tragic loss of a good man and friend who of course had his faults, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with. They had cried together for over an hour, their throats and eyes raw and their minds and bodies feeling completely exhausted. Doug had already said his goodbyes to his best friend and he knew that Jem was only waiting to be told that it was okay to let go, to finally slip away out of the pain and be at peace.


End file.
